... In Which Kermit Elaborates on the Nature of His Vocation ...
Mine is a Vocation in which there is some measure of Stability. People bite the dust, these days more than ever, and you can invest in Broadmeyer Enterprises and know you're into something with the potential for some Big Returns. The fact that I'm in and around New Orleans never hurt.
Let me tell you what the hell I have written up to give to potential Clients and Investors. I tell 'em that I'm Focused on providing Individualized Service to every family I serve, one family at a time (as if it was gonna be TWO or THREE, see)!
The Practice of Kermit Broadmeyer, otherwise known as Death Care, is distinguishable from my competitors by my decentralized management structure as much as the Quality and Value of my Products and Services.
In other words, I promise, for a rather egregious sum, not to dump your uncle's corpse into the Mississippi.
But goddammit, I plan to reach a New Realm of Success! By focusing on Internal Growth (no, not the bacteria in the Small Intestine of your Beloved) by, in part, developing new Internal Growth Strategies, because what the fuck else am I doing? Shit, all of these changes will bring opportunities. Just like when a Family Member dies, it brings YOU opportunities! And motherfuckit, I hope to Seize those Opportunities and Build on them so I can keep ON meeting the needs of fuckers with dead people in their lives, and as such remain on TOP. Of the DeathCare Industry.
I should not fail to mention that I obtain Capital by providing an above-average and sustainable Return to my Shareholders. There is Profit in Death, and thank God for it. Gotta cut your losses SOMEhow.
But fuck, I'm CONSTANTLY looking for ways to improve my level of service to the families of Dead People. One way I've been jamming on this is to provide what I like to call "clustering" the properties I own. By this I mean Centralization. I won't TELL you, but I bury everybody in New Orleans Metro in just 34 Plots. People quit visiting graves pretty quick-like, and that's fine by ME, it's fine by YOU, and it sure as a yellow rose in HELL is jake with the Deceased.
But I don't stop there. Motherfucker. Another Service I provide is called Prearrangement. See, DUH, I've found that it's pretty tough for folks to Deal with Funeral Arrangements. So I use the age-old concept of Guilt to encourage people to GET ON IT and deal with their Death before they're Dead, see? Thataway, there are no tough choices for your Kin to make when you Keel.
Look, so far as it goes, I'm pretty standard. But I'm honest. You live in New Orleans? Well, you'll be dead soon. Let's you and me take care of it. Christ KNOWS that son of yours'll be too fucked up on Popov to do Jack Fuck with your Body once he finds out it all went to the Slot machines at Harrah's.
So don't let me Beat a Dead Horse into Hell. I, Kermit Broadmeyer, am a Leader in the Business of providing DeathCare products and Services (ha ha) thru the Ownership, Development, and Operation of my Funeral Home and my Cemeteries thru my ostensible commitment to Growth, Quality, Value and Service as those four horsemen relate to We the Living.
Now honestly, of course, I don't much give a good rat's dick. But neither do you! And your loved ones, well, they SURE as shit don't.
I just thought I'd jump in and tell you all that because, if you live in New Orleans or if you're swimming in Bali, YOU are GOING to DIE! Trip, ain't it? And if you live HERE, well, you're just a shot away. Like the man says.
So cheer the hell up and make some money with me, 'cause you can't take it with you. Anymore than you can take your bullshit maudlin emotions or your fab White Crane body. Don't get right with GOD! Get right with Kermit Broadmeyer, and Do it Today.
"Cause there's a Slow Train Comin'. And you're in its fucking way.
So have a drink, and smoke a bowl. And Thank God we don't stay in Nola Forever. And that whatever you had or didn't have in Life,
At least you've got an Honest Mortician.