Tuesday 5 -
Chance the Gardener
And so it Came to Pass, that lots of people out there were having Problems discerning between Fantasy and Reality. They were convinced, for example, that all Mormons were faggots when in fact, nothing could be Further from the Truth (note: this Chapter sounds a lot like some crappy 1611 translation of the Bible) as the Rumor really was that they (at least the men) fucked lots of different women at one time, but Behold! They were Overcome with Dread, when there was Nothing to Dread. Mormon chicks like Trisha Coley, though, fucked a buttload of men once this Funeral Director named Kermit ate her out and gave her a Taste of it, and Utah, shit, man, it was in Moab that Gwyn Terry got drunk and went down on this other chick, thus sayeth the Lord.
And For Everything There is a Season, and once the new season of Six Feet Under started, they were thinking that Claire was really 17 and shit. Actually, Lauren Ambrose is 23 and engaged but she thinks she is Claire while she's getting fucked by her Boyfriend, who's getting off on the fact that she is 17, a Cool Alt Chick, and that everybody else, well, they want to fuck her, too! They think about getting sucked off by her, about sucking her clit, about watching her fuck other people, about watching her rub her clit, about fucking her in the ass, about (mostly) about them, either (a) getting fucked while they are Claire on Six Feet Under or (b), fucking Lauren Ambrose, the actress, hard, in her pussy, without protection, and just wailing on it while their balls get all tight and their cocks are all hard inside her tight, pink, stoned 17-year-old pussy, and just CUMMING in her and if she's knocked up (which she will be in an upcoming episode) well GREAT, then, 'cause they get to (somehow) keep her, just like the shit they were thinking when they were 19 and fucking Laura! See? Get it? And if you really WANT to fuck Claire, you CAN, America. You'll just have to write me to figure out how this shit works, is all, and if you're a woman, you'll get yourself a Speedy Answer.
Now Jurgen, this shitty coked-up would-be Henry Moore sculptor, well, it Came to Pass that he had a show in a Southern City characterized by its Art Cliques, even though none of them can of do create Art, or even know what it is! Except Performance Art, which, in their case, consists of getting drunk and then talking about those who they would like to believe drink more than they do, (hello, World!) and Smoking Pot and secretly Doing Coke and having Gay Sex (because they think it's Cool) and linguistically slurping each other off for their being such GREAT ARTISTS! And have they ever heard of Mishima? They have not. Are they motherfucking fools? This they are. Have they read the Book of Lamentations? Not a Chance in Hell. Are they really a bunch of stupid, deluded, self-important and self-deluded Hicks who give the GOP a Damn Good Reason for cutting off all Funding to the Arts? You bet your Ass. And, finally, do you know who They are? Well, Ducky, I'll just bet the fuck that you do. Shut the FUCK up; 'cause after this these Sapient Observations are no longer for Free, and just keep at it! That guy who plays David on the aforementioned Television Program? Well, pretend that you're sucking his Cock! Swallowing his Cum! 'Cause he, HE, is a Real Actor. THEY, are not.
And Jurgen was Danish and managed a Hardcore band in Copenhagen, and HEY DENMARK! WANT A WRITER IN RESIDENCE? GUESS WHO'S AVAILABLE! And anyway, he was rich, as his Father was the Danish ambassador to Egypt or somewhere, and he was giving this bitch who lives here Cocaine to Pose Nude for him, ostensibly, but REALLY 'cause he was fucking her, and she'd done so much coke that when Jurgen's Show was over, she flew back to Denmark with him and KEPT fucking him and KEPT doing whatever it was she was doing, but you know What, Believers? The COOL drug to do these days was and of course has been, Heroin. They all do it. Not the people in the paragraph up THERE, but David Hockney, Cy Twombly, Keith Haring, Damien Hirst, it's H, man, and the Art Sluts LOVE it! Yeah! The ones who wish they were slurping away on Stephen Ambrose's Pussy, or whatever the hell that HBO chick's Real Name is. They live for it, fuck for it, die for it, and they even have it in places like Columbus, Georgia, these days. Just LOOK at what He has Joined Together! Hail Mary! Fuck me, God! Yeah, Daddy! Forgive me Father! And Them, too. But, like the people up THERE, they still think it's Cool to have just read Nietzsche, Castaneda, Hermann Hesse, Henry Miller, Allen Ginsberg, books on Motorcycle Maintenance, on Zen, not at ALL to neglect to mention Anais Nin (and that's Anna-EES) and Ayn (that would be EYE-n) Rand, or Bukowski, or ALL that shit, and that shit is BULLSHIT, and even the bitches who read the books about the Chicken Soup know it, fools.
'Cause your Narrator didn't just write all this shit to show something to himself, or to you, even. He wrote it to Please the Lord, in showing Them how they have Strayed from the Path of Righteousness.