Police Homicide Report
Orleans Parish, Louisiana
March 23, 2002
The victim of said homicide is a Roger van Cleef, 67 years of age, a retired machinist. According to Doris van Cleef, his wife of 42 years, Mr. Van Cleef had returned the day before from a sightseeing tour of Baltimore, where he visited the home and the grave of Edgar Allan Poe, his favorite writer, on whom he is said to have been writing a book.
Mr. Van Cleef is also the author of two novels, two collections of poetry, a volume of short stories, and numerous reviews and essays on literature and the Arts.
Roger van Cleef, though a smoker and a heavy drinker, is reported to have been in fine health for his age according to his Intern, Phillip Dixon of Covington, Louisiana. His death occurred at his home at around three and four in the morning, when his wife, Vera, 24, was working her nightly rounds as a volunteer at Touro Hospital, where she had worked with the Elderly since 1987.
There is no apparent motive for van Cleef's murder, except that he was at work on a new novel, What God Has Joined Together, which was said by some unnamed sources to have become highly controversial, as it was something of a Roman-a-Clef tell-all.
Mr. Van Cleef was stabbed 33 times with an Osmeroid fountain pen made of black 1950s-era plastic and equipped with a calligraphic nib, according to detectives, who discovered the pen, wiped clean of fingerprints, in a bed of Cyclamen in a window three feet away from the body. Some people think that if they get a calligraphic nib, they can do calligraphy, a common misconception.
The aforementioned 1950s era plastic has been ruled out as the now-popular Bakelite. You can tell Real Bakelite from Fake Bakelite by dipping the plastic in hot water, see, and if it's the Real Item, it'll stink something awful. This plastic smelled cleaner than a Baby's Dick.
Thus far the Police have no suspects in the death of the writer, 51, who used a Grape iMac. Possible witnesses and neighbors are being questioned at this hour.
Sincerely to the Courts,
Lt. Paul G. Hicks